Chapter Text
Stolas did not have a bucket list, it would only remind him of all the things he could never have when married. But if he would make one, giving a hot boy a boner had to be on it.
Lo and behold, he could check that off.
He woke up thinking Fizzarolli had put up the disco lighting again, but that was just the sunlight hitting the coloured plastic on the windows of the motel.
Blitz lay curled up against him, and even on top of him. He had one arm slung around Stolas’s torso and buried his face into the red robe as if it were a pillow.
He definitely counted as a hot boy, and the pressure against Stolas’s leg was unmistakable. This was biology, it didn’t mean anything, but he decided to count it anyway.
He laid his head back on his pillow, content to wait until Blitz woke up. This was what heaven must feel like. His cheeks hurt from smiling the entire time.
“Ohhhh no,” was the first thing Blitz mumbled when he opened his eyes. “f*ck. f*ck. f*ckity f*ck.”
Stolas forced himself to keep breathing slowly. Blitz probably thought he was still asleep. He’d expected Blitz would be embarrassed about getting it up for his scrawny twig ass, but hearing him say it was something else.
He heard the shift of jeans and the clatter of a phone falling from the nightstand.
“He’s gonna think you wanna jump his bones and fiddle his hole, you perverted slu*t,” Blitz mumbled to himself. “As much as I’d love to, his dick is probably gold plated.”
Wait, what? Blitz wanted to fiddle his boner and jump in his hole? Not only wanted, but loved to?
Stolas forgot he was supposed to be asleep and sat up straight. “I wish you would,” he said, which came out more like “ iwshzuwuld ,” because he was still drowsy.
“What?” Blitz jumped as if electrocuted. He grabbed the nearest item, his flannel shirt, and held it in front of his stomach. “Stolas! Morning Birdie, you didn’t happen to hear me talk to myself, didya?” He chuckled nervously.
Stolas felt his cheeks heat up. And did his best not to stare. Despite the shirt covering up the obvious, Stolas could see Blitz’s lost inches went elsewhere.
Too chicken to repeat himself, he went for the very neutral: “Good morning. Did you sleep well, Blitzy?”
Loser , Stella’s voice scolded. You don’t have the balls to do anything assertive.
Blitz sighed audibly. “Yeahhhh… I did and now I really need to pee. Nothing to see here.” He skipped to the bathroom and turned on the shower.
With a groan, Stolas pushed himself up and got dressed. The clock grinned menacinglyfrom the wall, spelling out 9:30 on monday morning. Of course it was monday. Nothing sexy ever happened on a monday.
Stolas’s Agenda
Mo - Unsexy
Tu - Algebra exam - Don’t forget calculator!
We - Also unsexy - Science with Pentious (Stay away from his deathray!)
Th - 15:00 advanced English class
Fr - As Fizzarolli would say: tgif? (I do not know this acronym)
Sa - Grocery shopping - Clean the bathroom
Su - Visit Blitz and Loona!!!
Moxxie drove them back to the trailer park around ten. Stolas was content to sit in the back and read cringeworthy fics to try to ban the feeling of Blitz’s body against his from his mind.
Blitz, meanwhile, spent the entire ride interrogating Moxxie about his wedding night. Mox replied to each question with an exasperated sigh of: “For the last time, your sister was with us!”
Millie had the black sedan ready to take Moxxie to his wedding with Chaz, and the pair left in a hurry. Judging by Moxxie’s stress levels, Crimson Allegretti did not like people being late. The way he spoke about his father reminded Stolas oddly of Stella.
In the trailer’s living room, Loona danced with earbuds in, singing something that sounded like ‘the world is burning down’ with the cheerful smile of a maniac goth kid or someone who doesn't understand English lyrics.
After insisting that she was fine and enjoyed spending the night at Millie’s apartment (“She has a knife throwing setup!”) Blitz was willing to let her out of his sight. She practically had to threaten him with a fork to get him out of the trailer.
“You alright to take the bus home?” He asked.
Stolas balled his hands into fists until his fingernails broke skin. “I’m afraid I was supposed to be in class at nine.”
“Oh sh*t, the hall monitor will have your ass.” Blitz grimaced. “But If you’re getting in trouble, you might as well do it right and skip altogether, right?”
Stolas’s first instinct was to protest, but he swallowed his words. That was what the old Stolas would do, the Stolas who never left the house and did homework all day would disagree vehemently.
New Stolas only had one question: “What would we do all day if we skip?”
Blitz lit a cigarette for both of them. “f*ck around at the mall, probably. Whatever we want.”
Old Stolas would never smoke either, but the old Stolas could not come to the phone right now, because the old Stolas was dead.
Why not?
The first building to f*ck around in was the public library, where they held a dramatic reading of Passion & Brimstone , the erotic novel Stolas claimed was his gay awakening.
“I was an impressionable thirteen year old with unrestricted access to the internet. What was I supposed to do?” Not googling glory holes, probably, but there had been no adults to tell him that. “Their ao3 tag is basically a f*ckfest invite. My innocent middle school self consulted Urban Dictionary like an encyclopaedia for words I did not know. Very informative, I can tell you.”
Blitz’s laugh echoed through the shelves. A lone librarian who pushed her glasses a little up her nose. “I’m so glad you did. Us horny freaks have to stick together.”
It was Stolas’s idea to copy some of the most scandalous pages to spread around. “I’m making copies,” he yelled, “move, I’m gay!”
On the walk to the mall, they pawned them off to everyone who listened when they said “Do you have a moment for our lord and saviour?”
The mall was a large multi-floor complex with a poorly guarded movie theatre and shops with faulty alarms. Blitz claimed he spent Loona’s entire adoption anniversary there without spending a single cent and showed him what he meant by ‘f*cking around at the mall.’
He called out to a random shopper with “Excuse me! I think you lost something,” and said “You lost your speed,” when they stopped.
They hid behind a clothing rack and played the alarm noise from their phones every time someone walked out the store to make them stare in confusion and check their recent purchase.
Blitz went into a lingerie store to touch the boobs of the mannequins and sent Moxxie a picture of a lacy pink garter belt to annoy him.
Stolas ran his finger over the suspender clip. Was Blitz into this? Oh god , he scolded himself, stop trying to guess your friend’s kinks you idiot.
“Come on Stols, this is too vanilla.” He slung an arm around Stolas’s waist and whispered conspiratorially, “I know the sh*t you’re into.”
“D- do you?” Stolas stammered. He wondered if the blood flow in his cheeks would ever stop reacting.
“Sticks and stones might break your bones but chains and whips excite ya.”
Evidently, his cheeks were still blushing and went even redder. Blitz was not wrong.
Blitz grabbed some popcorn and walked straight past the tired movie theatre employee who assumed they'd paid for both the ticket and the popcorn at another cashier. If illegal behaviour was this easy, Stolas started to understand why people did it.
Blitz picked a film called ‘Mission impossible’ because he would love to be a spy or an action hero. Also because both the lead actors were hot. He loudly munched on the popcorn when one of the them went shirtless. “For a sixty year old, he can like, get it.”
“I suppose….” Stolas agreed tentatively.
Blitz threw a bit of popcorn at him. “Hey, if you gotta screw an old man, you don’t always get to be picky.”
He snorted and took a handful of popcorn for himself. “Now you sound like my roommate. He likes this guy, and he swears they’re not together, but they are physically affectionate to the point where it’d be weirder if they aren’t f*cking.”
“Good for him. Get that dick.” He held the popcorn bucket upside down above his head to catch the last crumbs.
Stolas draped a daring arm around his shoulders. “I do happen to have a thing for short kings.”
“He’s not even that short,” Blitz huffed.
Because it rained outside, they went to a large department store to pick a ridiculous outfit for the other to wear. Stolas made Blitz put on something that resembled his old school uniform and laughed his ass off when he got stuck in an argyle sweater vest. In turn, he was made to wear booty shorts and a crop top.
He did not miss the way Blitz’s eyes ran over his body. It made him wonder what would have happened if they chose to play dress up at the lingerie store instead.
“Do you boys need any help?” A store attendant asked as they exited the fitting rooms.
Blitz flashed her his best smile and handed her back everything. “No we don’t, your clothes aren’t slu*tty enough.”
They fled the shop before the store attendant could reply.
Stolas did not let go of Blitz’s hand as they ran, slipping and sliding around a freshly mopped floor. Blitz vaulted over a planter that Stolas only had to step over to avoid the cleaner waving their broom as if it were an axe.
This mall also had a Not Topic, which Blitz said was Loona’s favourite place in the entire city. It appeared to be the American equivalent of Stylish Occult, with walls of band tees, mismatched gingham trousers and chain harnesses. Stolas was 43% sure the song playing was one Loona had picked during the drive to Loo Loo Land.
Blitz held up a t-shirt with a print that made it look like the person wearing it was tied up in pink ropes, which Stolas had to try on. He layered it over a fishnet top and picked out some red sunglasses.
Meanwhile, Blitz tried a spiked choker and tight leather-look pants that almost begged Stolas to stare. At both his front and back, because hot damn , what he was packing was a sight to behold.
They posed in front of a mirror for a picture and Stolas was hit with the odd realisation that they wouldn’t recognise him back home. He could walk past his old mansion and Andrealphus and Stella wouldn’t spare a single glance. He looked nothing like the Stolas he left behind at Heathrow, and somehow that made his heart flutter.
“I think we should buy these,” he decided. It would be the first and only time during the whole day where they actually paid for something. Or rather, Stolas paid.
He ignored Blitz’s spluttering about money and had an employee with a 2010s scene hairstyle cut off the tags so they could walk out in their new clothes.
“There’s only one thing missing,” Blitz concluded. There was no reason to run, but he put his hand in Stolas’s regardless.
Clearly, he knew all the stores by heart, because he navigated them up and down six separate escalators to avoid the un-slu*tty department store and the axe-wielding cleaner. The drugstore’s makeup section looked like someone had set a rampaging werewolf loose. Broken bottles of perfume and nail polish covered the floor in glass shards and weird, smelly liquids that were sure to give everyone a headache.
They made their choice out of the opened samples and drew heavy black lines on each other’s eyelids.
“Are you sure this is allowed?”
Blitz tapped the display rack. “These are clearly labelled as tester samples. They don’t say how much you’re allowed to test.”
“I see,” said Stolas. He tentatively picked up a dark red powder. “This mall feels like a game of Cluedo, with all the different people and possibilities to consider.”
“There was a triple homicide here last year or so. They carried the bodies out in shopping carts.”
For some reason, Stolas burst out laughing. “I bet it was the Karen, in Not Topic, with the complaints. Now open the envelope and declare me the winner.”
Dinner was served at the infamous WhackDonalds.
A small crowd had gathered around a counter where frazzled fast food workers handed out paper bags with numbers. They waited until someone called out an order number that was not immediately picked up and Blitz scooped in to take the bag.
Stolas's heart raced in his chest as they walked out and disappeared through an alleyway into a playground. The children had vacated it as the daylight faded. Only candy wrappers indicated that they’d been there.
The swing set would have to make do as seats. A little wobbly, but it fit the paper bag and the hasty exit out of the restaurant. If WhackDonalds could be called that. Stolas wasn’t sure.
“You snooze, you lose,” Blitz took out the staple to open the bag. “Let’s see what we got. A BigWhack, nuggets and double fries.” He handed Stolas the box with deep fried nuggets.
Stolas raised the box to inspect every side. “It doesn't come with cutlery?”
“f*ck no.”
His heart skipped a beat and he instinctively forced himself to look at the ground. He asked a dumb question and now he would receive a lecture.
Instead, Blitz shrugged and dumped all the fries in the paper bag and used the lid of the nugget box as a sauce container. “Do you prefer mayonnaise or barbecue sauce?”
Stolas tried both and found that he liked to mix them. After a few bites, he started to get the hang of eating with his hands. It was messy and would give Stella a heart attack, but it tasted sweet and made crispy noises between his teeth.
The sauce stuck to his fingers and was too syrupy to fall off when he waved his hand. “I assume there are no napkins around here either?”
Blitz shook his head. “Don’t tell me you’ve never deepthroated your middle finger to get the last bit of barbecue sauce off?”
“Í’m afraid I must admit I have never eaten without cutlery in my life.” Stolas giggled. If they had WhackDonalds back in the UK he’d have to barricade his door with nugget boxes to keep Stella and Andrealphus out. They wouldn’t go within five metres of this stuff.
Bliz shifted on the swing seat. “Do you need me to show you?” He wore the kind of smile on his face that Stolas could not possibly say no to.
“Please do. Educate me on proper WhackDonalds etiquette.”
The metal chain of the swing protested when Blitz’s fingers curled around his wrist and pulled him closer to lick the sauce off.
And Oh God . Something in Stolas’s chest was on fire. The pads of his fingers were on Blitz’s tongue. The breath he took got stuck in his throat. All words escaped him as Blitz gently sucked on his fingers. It was a warm and soft sensation and holy f*cking sh*t , it had to be the hottest thing Stolas had ever seen.
Blitz dropped his hand with a wink. “Didn’t expect that, huh?”
Stolas was unable to form a coherent reply. Alarm bells went off in his head, screaming CODE RED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. YOUR FINGERS WERE IN BLITZ.
What the f*ck was he supposed to say to that? I am very much into you and would like you to repeat that, forever if possible? I am also getting hard right now, in case you want something else to suck on?
Blitz beat him to it. He hooked his arm through Stolas’s and chewed on another nugget. “I like it when you turn red. The tomato head looks good on you.”
The bastard had the audacity to wink, sending his heart into overdrive.
The old Stolas could absolutely not come to the phone anymore, because he was indeed dead as a door nail, a victim of the universe’s cruel Cluedo game. It was Blitz, in the playground, with the WhackDonalds sauce.
Being dead had never felt so great.
Wikipedia: The free encyclopedia
Cluedo: Queer edition , known as Clue: Queer edition in North America, is a modernised edition of the world-famous murder mystery game Cluedo.
> Equipment
Several modifications and updates have been made to the original game's equipment and rules. The Queer edition consists of a board which shows the rooms, corridors and secret-passages of an average United States mall in 2024. The game box also includes several coloured playing pieces to represent characters, miniature murder weapon props, two six-sided dice, three sets of cards (describing the aforementioned rooms, characters or weapons) and an envelope to place the solution in. There is no Detective's Notes pad to keep detailed notes on, because this is a game for dumb gays.
> Weapons
The weapon icons are typically made of unfinished pewter (except the flyers, which may be plastic.)
- A janitor’s broom
- Catholic flyers that are actually smut (Mormon flyers in North American editions)
- WhackDonalds sauce
- Shibari rope printed T-shirt
- Eyeliner
- Sweet flavoured popcorn (Salt flavoured in North American editions)
> Rooms
There are nine rooms in the mall where the murder can take place, laid out around the edge of the square game board. They consist of the mall walkway, the lingerie store, the cinema, a WhackDonalds, the library, the public restrooms, the drugstore, the playground and a Stylish Occult. (Not Topic in the North America editions.) The mall walkway contains various escalators that function as secret passages leading to other places on the map.
